Alyssa's ramblings...

Guess what?

If you hadn’t already guessed by the blatantly obvious ticker at the top of this page, I’M PREGNANT!

I went in for my three month check-up today, and heard the heartbeat. It made the whole thing seem so much more real. There really is a baby in there! Before today, I was afraid of announcing the pregnancy (even to family and friends), because I didn’t really believe it. I thought “What if the home test was wrong, and the doctor made a mistake?” Paranoia. But now, I’m confident. I’m having a baby!

Anyway, I’ve written a few diary entries along the way (okay, only three). I thought I’d post these right now. Take note of the dates on each entry.

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11th May, 2005

Well, I’m definitely pregnant! First of all, there’s the fact that my doctor announced yesterday, “Well, you’re definitely pregnant!” There’s also this: I was listening to some CD’s last night, and ‘There Goes My Life’ by Kenny Chesney came on. I cried my eyes out through the whole thing. Uncharacteristically, I might add. I’ve NEVER cried about a song. Darn hormones! But come on, look at these lyrics!

All he could think about was I'm too young for this
Got my whole life ahead
Hell I'm just a kid myself
How'm I gonna raise one

All he could see were his dreams goin' up in smoke
So much for ditchin' this town and hangin' out on the coast
Oh well, those plans are long gone

And he said
There goes my life
There goes my future, my everything
Might as well kiss it all good-bye
There goes my life...

A couple years of up all night and a few thousand diapers later
That mistake he thought he made covers up the refrigerator
Oh yeah, he loves that little girl

Momma's waiting to tuck her in
As she fumbles up those stairs
She smiles back at him dragging that teddy bear
Sleep tight, blue eyes and bouncin' curls

He smiles…
There goes my life
There goes my future, my everything
I love you, daddy good-night
There goes my life

She had that Honda loaded down
With Abercrombie clothes and 15 pairs of shoes and his American Express
He checked the oil and slammed the hood, said your good to go
She hugged them both and headed off to the West Coast

And he cried
There goes my life
There goes my future, my everything
I love you
Baby good-bye

There goes my life
There goes my life
Baby good-bye

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29th May, 2005

I’ve learnt something about pregnancy – the word ‘hungry’ ceases to exist. It is replaced by ‘starving’! I’ll just suddenly get extremely starving, and have to eat right then and there. This happens all the time. Like last night, I started feeling that starving feeling, and I decided to make some popcorn (all the while hunched over from hunger pangs). After what seemed like forever, the popcorn was ready, and I wolfed it down. But little NJ (short for Nuske Junior) didn’t like the popcorn, and I vomited it all back up again. That was the first time I’ve actually vomited. Cool, hey! I was like “Man, that’s a lot of popcorn”. It looked like a spice paste I saw on a TV cooking show. But anyway, I felt better after that, and quite happily ate some freshly-baked Anzac biscuits.

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20th June, 2005

I cried at work today. I’m having a lot of trouble feeling alright about sending my child to daycare from two months old. There’s nothing I would like more than to be a stay-at-home mum. But in my situation, that’s what has to happen. I have to work, because Tim’s job alone won’t be able to support us. And there’s no-one who would be able to look after the baby for us for three days a week. It’s so frustrating, because I really don’t want it to happen like this, but there’s nothing I can do about it.

I really feel like a bad mother, and I’m not even technically a mother yet! I feel like I’m abandoning my baby, even if it is only for three days a week.

I told Mum how I feel, and she sent me this email:

Dear Alyssa,
I can understand your frustration and concern. Anything can happen between now and when bub is due. Just tell God what you want and trust that whatever happens will be for the best.
I was fortunate enough to be able to stay home while you kids were little, but lots of mum's these days don't have that opportunity. But like I said anything is possible.......... Don't stress about it everything will be ok. TRUST( all things are possible) love from mama.

Yep, that made me cry even more. But she’s right. I should just trust God. He’s in charge, and everything will work out for the best.

*Update* -A- from A Mother’s Work Is Never Done sent me the most awesome email. I totally feel more at ease about the daycare issue. She rocks. :o)

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Since I spoke about vomit in my second entry, I’m going to talk about it again here. Let me tell you the WORST thing to throw up: Fast food. Oh my goodness. The worst. EVER. So much so, that I have vowed never to eat fast food again. Don’t even try it. If you think you may throw up in the near future, stay away from fast food. FAR AWAY.

Okay, that’s enough for now. I can finally start posting regularly again, because I can talk about babies. That’s really all that’s been on my mind lately, understandably. :o)

posted by Alyssa @ 1:28 PM